Pissed-off Christian returns to crappy job he quit, hoping it was end times.
Updated: Jun 19, 2020
Stuart Martin Briggs walked into his work at Wal-mart on Saturday with his head held low after he quit because he was sure that the end times were upon us and he'd be with Jesus.
Mobile, AL. Stuart Martin Briggs skulked through the poorly-lit store to the silent condemnation amongst the pimple-faced shelf stockers and the judgmental overly made-up cashiers, past his barely out of high-school manager that he had to beg for reprieve, to his soul-crunching job in the fully-booked Wal-mart portrait studio. His day was devastating. Not only would he not spend eternity with his lord and savior Jesus Christ, but there was a coupon in this week's flyer giving people 50% off children's portraits. The reverse had happened. He was in hell.
Briggs had prepared himself for the return of Christ since the last time he was supposed to come in 2012 .Then he gave away all his belongings and quit his job cleaning up fish guts at the Sea food Palace.
"I never got a real career." said Briggs. "Christ was supposed to return, what did I need a real career for? I may have wasted my life."
Briggs only has two pairs of pants and two shirts that he rotates daily. He doesn't want to own anything of value, because it would be left behind after his ascension. Amongst his only worldly possessions are a Gideon bible he took from a hotel room back in 1974 with the words "Once Upon a Time" scrawled on the first page and a cartoon of Ziggy asking God how his day is.
He lives in a one room basement apartment that is owned by an overly sexually active gay couple. "I have to hear their sin every day."
When asked what he planned on doing now, he replied, "I don't know. I released the wild raccoon I was keeping as a pet two rapture hoaxes ago. My rabies haven't even healed. Who are these people that keep lying to me? I am so lonely."
After we suggested getting on with his life, he responded tersely, "What? And miss the rapture? I'm not a heathen."
#satire #religimarole #rapture #walmart #ziggy #atheism #atheist