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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

BREAKING: Monkeys deny Evangelicals share common ancestor.

In a shocker in the animal community, the entire monkey subspecies has come out saying that they refuse to believe that they and Evangelicals share a common ancestor.

San Diego Zoo, San Diego, CA. - The monkeys in the San Diego zoo, had their annual board meeting to discuss this year's monkey business, and in addition to flinging more poo, and eating more ticks out of each other's hair, they have come to the consensus that it is impossible for modern day Evangelical Christians, and monkeys share a common ancestor.

"Ooo, ooo. Ooo," said the Monkey Spokesperson. "Ooo, ooo. Oo." Zookeeper and monkey liaison Trish Whoflungdat translated for us. "It's impossible to think that we share the same genes with Evangelicals. What? I supposed to believe in a fairy tale, sky daddy now from people who don't even follow their own book of rules? I don't think so."

When shown in a phylogenetic tree the evolutionary relationships between the monkey species and Evangelicals based upon similarities and differences in their physical or genetic characteristics, the Monkey's flung poo, already fulfilling one of their requisites for the upcoming year.

"It's going to take a lot of convincing." Explains Miss Whoflungdat, "When they get something in their head, no amount of proof or evidence can change their minds." she continued, "It's almost like their critical thinking skills are non-existent. It's just bananas"

Next year they are going to launch a television program trying to convince others of their belief where an emperor tamarin monkey will solicit donations every Sunday.


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