Now released, the 2021 models for stoning blasphemy and infidelity.Smoother, wittier and packing a bone-crunching punch, the Catholic church has revealed the new 2021 Blasphemy and Adultery stones. “On this years models we have decided to use the typeface Times New Roman - breaking away from the tired and overused Helvetica. The serif on the typeface really adds an extra dimension of cruelty.” These replace the 2020 models that only had single words on them. You can order the 2021 Adultery stones from the Catholic church's online store at ww
AmeriChrists riot against muslin fabrics, for being antiChristian.In the latest attempt to get rid of anything that sounds unAmerican or antiChristian, Right-wing American Christians are rallying against products and services that could even sound close to offending them. Christian Americans are an odd lot. They are the most triggered people on the planet, while calling you a snowflake to your face. When the Coronavirus hit, they stopped drinking Corona Beer, as if it had some sort of connection. The latest in American-Christians boycotting
BREAKING: Jesus returns, gets COVID, quarantined for another 2000 years.All that praying Christians did to bring Jesus back, to help with the coronavirus, was for naught. Jesus ended up getting it and spreading it faster than anyone could imagine. Houston, TX. After a considerable amount of praying, Christians finally hear back from their lord Jesus Christ. He decided to come back to help those suffering from the coronavirus, the same way he did when he brought everyone fish and wine and the thing with the lepers and stuff. I think there was brea
In defiance of BLM, GOP changes pledge to "All Nations Under God." As an ultimate 'Fuck You' to BLM, the GOP changes the pledge of allegiance to include the words "All Nations Under God." Americans know the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States is an expression of allegiance to the flag of the United States and the republic of the United States of America. The form of the pledge used today was largely devised by Francis Bellamy in 1892, and formally adopted by Congress as the pledge in 1942. The official name of The Pledge of Allegiance
For 5,000 years in a row, God wins annual hide & seek championship.The annual hide and seek championship was won, yet again, by God by not being found. Every year, every religion on earth play the annual hide and seek game of 'Where's God?' hoping that this is the year they will have found him. This year, which was held in Houston Texas, was won yet again by God. He has hidden so good that no one has found him in every single game that has been played. "Those fucking Christians keep stopping the game, saying they've found him." said Jayesh A
BREAKING: Pope comes out as left-handed, ostracized by the church.It turns out that Pope Francis is left-handed and if this were 1000 years ago, he would have been killed. Instead, the Catholic church just wants nothing to do with him. Protestors came out in droves in Italy today, all wanting the de-popeing of Pope Francis for revealing that he is left-handed. The right hand of God is a place of honor in the Bible. The left hand is then interpreted as being on the wrong side of God. Left-handed people are mentioned 25 times in the bible and
Heaven now able to contract for your soul after admitting its first lawyer. Before hell was the only place that admitted lawyers into the afterlife, hence the ironclad contract that they had for your soul. Well, heaven is now in the game and has work to do. Did you even wonder why the devil seemed to have an iron clad contract for your soul, produced in an instant, ready for you to sign your eternal afterlife away, but to get into heaven, you had to read through an indecipherable book, written by several unknown authors that has been translated into
Archangel Gabriel's bowling team makes finals: expect thunderstorms. The archangel Gabriel's bowling team The Pearly Gate Crashers has made the celestial finals in The Heaven Open. Expect an abundance of bad weather in the coming weeks. In a close game against Archangel Michael's team, The Cloud Gazers, The Archangel Gabriel's team The Pearly Gate Crashers have crushed them in a 4-3 victory making it the first time The Pearly Gate Crashers have advanced to the finals in the history of the sport. "This is a very proud moment for us." said the A
BREAKING: Davey was molested by Pastor Miller during series; prompted suicide. There is a dark side to the misadventures of Davey Hansen and his dog, Goliath. Davey was molested by Pastor Miller all throughout the series run, before Davey took his own life. Boston, MA. For many of us Davey and Goliath was a quirky and odd claymation television show that ran on Saturday Mornings during the 60's and 70's. The entire run of the series, which was 5 years and over 70 episodes, was sponsored by Christian United Network Television and produced by Clokey Produ
Missionary eaten after cannibalistic tribe mistake him for Body of Christ.A missionary was cooked alive when he tried to teach one of the last unspoiled cannibalistic tribes about the Eucharist. BRAZIL. The Amazon. Juno Freemont, A Catholic missionary who was seeking to spread the word of Jesus to the Yagua Tribe, one of the last remaining unspoiled indigenous tribes in the Amazon, was cooked and eaten when they mistook him for the body of Christ. His intention at the time was to provide to them absolution for their simple Jesus-like wicked ways. "
All Kosher salt revealed to be actually made from the carcass of Lot's wife. For those who are vegetarian and like too cook with Kosher salt, you have been lied to. We all know the story in Genesis (18-19) of Sodom and Gomorrah, where a really important person who has to deal with sin in the bible isn't even named, Lot's wife is turned into a pillar of salt because she looked back at the sinful cities. Well, even though it was a sin to look back at the cities, it wasn't a sin to take Lot's wife, and resell her to cure meats and cook with. "It was an o
Muslims mistake SD Comic Con as heaven due to abundance of virgins. For the last few years Muslims have making a pilgrimage to the San Diego comic con because they keep mistaking it for Jannah, the level of heaven where they receive 72 virgins. San Diego, CA. Known as the largest comic book convention in the world, The San Diego Comic con has grown into one of the biggest promoters for games, movies and of course comics. Every July, thousands upon thousands of Muslims make the trek to the Southern California event confused that it is the path
Pissed-off Christian returns to crappy job he quit, hoping it was end times. Stuart Martin Briggs walked into his work at Wal-mart on Saturday with his head held low after he quit because he was sure that the end times were upon us and he'd be with Jesus. Mobile, AL. Stuart Martin Briggs skulked through the poorly-lit store to the silent condemnation amongst the pimple-faced shelf stockers and the judgmental overly made-up cashiers, past his barely out of high-school manager that he had to beg for reprieve, to his soul-crunching job in the fully-booke
Christian sacrifices soul to be able to misinform people on the internet.In an egregious violation of one of the ten commandments, A Christian has sacrificed their soul to Satan so they can purposely spread misinformation about social and political subjects on the internet. We all remember that fabled scene when Charlton Heston comes down from the mountain holding the tablets with the ten commandments with the laws that God has given him for all to obey for eternity. Even though the original Ten Commandments were in the old Testament, Jesus makes
BREAKING: Angered Zeus, shows his wrath on Christ the Redeemer.Zeus has been angered because Christians are making a mockery of his creation. Threatens apocalypse. Mt. Olympus. Zeus was in full-form today as he took out his anger on his creation's worshipping of a false god, by hurtling a lightning bolt at the Christ the Redeemer statute in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. "The fact that you have forsaken me, I shall destroy all monuments to your false god?" said Zeus in a Mt. Olympus press release. It wasn't until after the release went out that
STUDY: The Bible is consistently the most disgusting thing in hotel rooms. A study of over 1000 hotel rooms to find out what the most disgusting thing in the room was and the bible wins hands down in every case. You would think the comforter, or the remote control would be the most disgusting thing in hotel rooms, but hands down the bible wins every time. And not the reason that you think. "It's the questionable content." said Marriott CEO Gregory Drankonship, "It's highly reprehensible. There is slavery, incest, murder, genocide, rape. How could an
NEW: Popephylactics, condoms with Mother Teresa's face to kill the mood.In an effort to get people to stop having premarital sex, the Vatican releases Popephylactics, a condom with Mother Teresa's face to kill the mood of having sex. The Catholic Church realizes that people have urges outside of marriage and sometimes banning something like condoms just aren't going to work. So they invented Popephylactics. A condom that will kill your mood to have sex as soon as you see it. "Too many young Catholics were having premarital sex and using condoms."
Giant bag of Dino Chow found in Turkey proving Noah's Ark is real!A discarded bag of Dino Chow was found proving dinosaurs were on the Ark! For years naughty scientists and disbelievers have been doubting the veracity of Noah's Ark. How could a boat smaller than the Titanic hold two of every animal in the world, including dinosaurs, and some species that even couldn't survive the trek to and from distant lands to make it to the ship? Well, an ancient artifact, a 52lb bag of Dino Chow, was discovered at Mount Tendürek, the supposed resting p
True Christian tries to find another so they can finally pray for world peace.One of the world's only True Christians has been identified and are searching for another so they can rid the world of evil and heal the sick as in accordance to Matthew 18:19 The Christian Miracle Coalition has identified one True Christian, Gene Kaputnick, a 28 year-old school teacher from Reseda, CA, who until this point, had followed the word of Jesus to the letter and even shunned her family because she loved him more. She has been taken to the Christian Testing facility
Christian cake baker upset he's denied service for not wearing mask.The Christian Cake maker who denied a gay couple a wedding cake in 2018 is upset that he is being denied service in a business for not wearing a mask during a global pandemic. James Baker, former owner of Master Cake Cake Shop is in the news once again because he was refused service at a convenience store because he wasn't wearing a mask to protect himself and others incase he spread the coronavirus. "It's because I'm a white, Christian male, isn't it?" Baker said, "We are th
PROOF: Atheists faith in God triples when exposed to facebook memes. When exposed to positive Christian messages and memes on facebook, an Atheists faith in God triples to what it once was. A study was done...
Found: the key holder that teen Jesus made in shop class is proof of God. The key holder Jesus made for his imaginary father in high school has been discovered in an archeological dig in Nazareth and is currentl...
Bohemian Rhapsody banned in Georgia unless Islamic lyrics altered. "Bohemian Rhapsody" is a song by the British rock band Queen. It was written by Freddie Mercury for the band's 1975 album A Night at the ...
Anarchy as Flat Earth dome halts Christians ascent during the rapture. The Flat Earth dome that covers the world is preventing raptured Christians from reaching heaven and being with Jesus Christ. When the wo...
