• Samuel Jacobs

BREAKING:The Rapture has come and all true Christians have returned to heaven with Jesus.

Updated: May 21

In case you missed it, the Christian Rapture has happened and all True Christians have departed this earthly body and are now in the presence of their supreme being.

December 22nd, 2019 was an incredible day for all true Christians. At 06:00 EST Jesus returned all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to return to heaven with all of the true Christians who followed his teaching and did what he asked of them, according to the bible.


At around 11:30, after no one had shown up, Jesus went across the street to the Arby's for lunch. He returned 45 minutes later a little upset that Chik-fil-a was closed.


He was ready to take with him the flock of deserving Christians who followed his way and have proven themselves through scripture and found that the queue was still empty. He soon came to realize that nobody was a true Christian,

"I don't understand where everyone is," said the Lord Savior, "It's written out, right there plainly in the New testaments. How can nobody have followed it? I mean - it's ETERNAL SALVATION, MAN!"

Jesus waited another couple of hours. Luckily he brought a magazine otherwise he would have been really upset. When a nice elderly lady entered the church where Jesus was, he was excited to see at least one true Christian, but she just wanted change for the meter. Disappointed, Jesus asked if she wanted salvation, to which she replied that she wasn't interested.


Jesus then spent the lazy Sunday talking to this reporter about how amazing Heaven is. All your wants and needs are fulfilled and there is no sickness or pain. All your earthly pets are waiting for you and you never gain weight. A wrench was thrown into the system, when he was asked about mourning family members who didn't make it.


At about 2:45, Jesus stood up and let out a huge sigh, "Well, that was a waste of a Sunday," said Jesus, "I've been coming back every year for the last 1000 some odd years, I've told people time and time again, and I see that it gets advertised, but when I return no one has joined me as a true Christian. Maybe it's time to call it quits."


When asked if he was going to return next year and try again, Jesus chortled, "What's the point? They are more interested in Football and Baby Yoda. I'll see how I feel." and with a puff of smoke, he was gone.


#satire #parody #rapture #Jesus #scripture #Arbys #religimarole #atheist #athiesm


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