BREAKING: Jesus returns, gets COVID, quarantined for another 2000 years.All that praying Christians did to bring Jesus back, to help with the coronavirus, was for naught. Jesus ended up getting it and spreading it faster than anyone could imagine. Houston, TX. After a considerable amount of praying, Christians finally hear back from their lord Jesus Christ. He decided to come back to help those suffering from the coronavirus, the same way he did when he brought everyone fish and wine and the thing with the lepers and stuff. I think there was brea
Christian sacrifices soul to be able to misinform people on the internet.In an egregious violation of one of the ten commandments, A Christian has sacrificed their soul to Satan so they can purposely spread misinformation about social and political subjects on the internet. We all remember that fabled scene when Charlton Heston comes down from the mountain holding the tablets with the ten commandments with the laws that God has given him for all to obey for eternity. Even though the original Ten Commandments were in the old Testament, Jesus makes
BREAKING: Angered Zeus, shows his wrath on Christ the Redeemer.Zeus has been angered because Christians are making a mockery of his creation. Threatens apocalypse. Mt. Olympus. Zeus was in full-form today as he took out his anger on his creation's worshipping of a false god, by hurtling a lightning bolt at the Christ the Redeemer statute in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. "The fact that you have forsaken me, I shall destroy all monuments to your false god?" said Zeus in a Mt. Olympus press release. It wasn't until after the release went out that
American Standardized Bible: Marriage to include 'A man & his AR15'. Americans have updated the bible to include American values. Including what defines a marriage. While the bible has been revised several times over the last two millennia, there hasn't been a version that takes into account the liberties and freedoms that the good ol' U.S. of A has to offer. Several American Christian leaders of all different sects of Christianity have sat down to create the American Standardized Version (ASV). Which includes some additions as well as some su
PROOF: Atheists faith in God triples when exposed to facebook memes. When exposed to positive Christian messages and memes on facebook, an Atheists faith in God triples to what it once was. A study was done with 10,000 atheists where they were shown a series of Christian memes, science memes and kitten memes, and how they would react and if their viewpoints at anytime changed. It turns out that atheists, who have zero faith in God and Jesus, after seeing the Christian memes, their faith at least tripled in the belief in Christ. "Honestly, I wa
Christian spends $100k on surgery to resemble savior, Muslim doctor makes him look like Mohammed.In the mother load of all botched surgeries, a Christian is made to resemble the wrong savior. Mobile, AL. For the last five years, devout Evangelical Christian, Christian Montgomery has saved his pennies so he can afford facial reconstruction surgery to look more like Jesus Christ. But he should have been more specific when he told his Muslim doctor that he wanted to look like 'the savior'. "It's an honest mistake," said Dr. Jayesh Rupaulrella "He never used the word Jesus.
Fat Jesus put on drastic workout regimen to get fit for the rapture. After 2000 years, Jesus' agents have decided that Jesus is finally ready to come back for the rapture, but he needs to get in shape first. Jerusalem, Israel. Christians are finally going to get their wish by being raptured by Jesus, but there is a slight snag. Jesus has let him self go over the last 2000 years and has gained 300 pounds and desperately needs to get into shape for the big reveal. To help whip him into shape, Jesus' representatives at The William Morris Agency h
BREAKING: Costco now offers samples of Jesus in all its stores. So your shopping experience isn't cut short by having to go to church, Costco is now offering the eucharist to patrons of the store at its sample stations. Since stores have been allowed to open on Sundays there has been a fight for the attention of the church attendant. Those who go to church are missing out on the great deals and bulk pricing that Costco has to offer, and those who go to Costco are missing out on having their souls saved and spending the rest of eternity in
Ford releases SUV with Jesus tracts already haphazardly strewn onto it.In an attempt to connect with its demographic, Ford is has released a vehicle that already has the message of Christ haphazardly displayed across the sides and back. Vehicles are more than conveyances that take you from one place to another, they are expressions of our very selves. When Christians began decorating their vehicles with messages of Jesus, The Ford Motor Company saw an opportunity. In 2021, Ford is releasing the new Ford Missionary. Everything you want in a vehic
Anarchy as Flat Earth dome halts Christians ascent during the rapture.The Flat Earth dome that covers the world is preventing raptured Christians from reaching heaven and being with Jesus Christ. When the world was raptured on April 12th, Christians who have waited two millennium for the event, seemed relieved that they were finally going to spend eternity with their savior. That was until they started gathering at the top of the Earth trapped inside the flat earth dome preventing them from reaching their heavenly destination. The sounds of pan
Christ's work promotion caused the power to go to his head. So they killed him.How a humble carpenter became the CEO to the biggest company in the world and how it ruined him. Judea, 33 AD. When people take a position of power, it's very hard for them to remain objective. When Jesus became a figurehead for the next major religion, he took advantage. Christianity inc. The parent company of the Christian Religion had just promoted their VP of Sales, Jesus Christ, to the role of CEO and Figurehead. A crucial decision made by the board of 13 directors. As V
Penn & Teller reveal the trade secret to Jesus' resurrection tomb illusion. Shock magicians Penn and Teller once again go against the magician's code and reveal a trade secret that has impressed the world over for centuries. Penn and Teller are known as the bad boys of magic. They push the envelope with their stage show at the Rio in Las Vegas, they welcome in a new league of magicians with their show 'Fool Us' and give them crucial screen time, but most importantly, they enjoy adding a little spice to their act by revealing some of the has-been 'Com
Jesus performs yet another farewell concert. Christians pay big price. Jesus is retiring again, so he is holding yet another farewell concert during the coronavirus outbreak and Christians still are flocking to it. For the 1997th year in a row Jesus has held a three day farewell concert and his followers clamor to the streets. Christians will go out of their way to get the hottest ticket on the block and line up for years if need be. In previous years, the practice of going out to see a concert during world pandemics didn't fare too well. Over t
Rise in devil activity due to idle hands during Blue State quarantines. The devil activity has increased almost 2300% due to the quarantining of blue states. "Idle hands are the devil's playground." has never been more true than during this worldwide pandemic while everyone is quarantined. This is why the Red States refuse to isolate everyone during this global pandemic. It will just lead to increased devil work in the Republican states, and that is unacceptable. "We would rather see people contract the virus and die, than lay down to the devil."
Atheists sneaking into churches and putting googly eyes on all the Christs."No Christ Left Behind" is the motto of a bunch of anonymous militant atheists who sneak into churches and place googly eyes on images and statues of Jesus Christ. BIRMINGHAM, AL, Because churches have decided to remain open during this pandemic, as a harsh lesson to those who have chosen to ignore the CDC's warning on social distance, a group of militant vandal atheists have been sneaking into churches and placing googly eyes on all images of Christ. "No I don't think this i
Christ put back into schools, became educated, dumps religion for science.After years of Evangelical protest, Jesus Christ was put back in school to finish his GED, Jesus Christ, after a couple of millennia of not getting his high school equivalency, has gone back to school to finish off what he started. It's been a while since Jesus had gone to a structured school, and he never really developed an interest in any particular subject until now. Sure The Christ is exceptional in debate, home ec, and shop class, but he found that his real passion lies
FOUND: The 2000 year-old copy of Photoshop that turned Christ caucasian.The copy of photoshop that the ancient Christians used to make Jesus Christ caucasian was found in a cave near Jerusalem. Jerusalem, Israel. Archeologists have uncovered the 2000 year-old copy of Photoshop that is believed to be the exact edition that turned Jesus Christ from a Middle-easterner into a Blue-eyed, Caucasian male. Although everything that they used to run the program is not obsolete, they have brought the copy to the Computer Museum in London, England to try to
FDA: Eucharist must have two food labels. Vegans are revolting. The Food and Drug administration has come down hard on the Catholic Church for not having the nutritional information on the communion wafers. In this area, there is no such thing as religious exception. All food must have nutritional information label on it, else it is in violation of FDA Law. "This is a confusing subject," said Gary Kessell, administrator for the FDA, "because there are two different nutritional values for the Eucharist, depending on where you are in the co
BREAKING: Science proves Apes and Jesus share a common ancestor. Jesus did not evolve from an ape - Jesus was an ape, and his closest living relatives include chimpanzees and gorillas. Humans are more closely related to modern apes than to monkeys, but we didn't evolve from apes. Humans share a common ancestor with modern African apes, like gorillas and chimpanzees. Scientists believe this common ancestor existed 5 to 8 million years ago. Shortly thereafter, the species diverged into two separate lineages. One of these lineages ultimately
Catholic Churches in poorer areas getting leftover, bad cuts of Jesus.Churches in the poorer areas of Italy have discovered that they are getting the less desirable cuts of Jesus when they take communion. Africo, IT (population 3,200) is possibly the poorest town in Italy. Its unemployment rate is 40% and the gross average wage of the few who have a job is €14,000 a year. Virtually no one under the age of 30 works in Africo and one-third of the inhabitants are older than 55. It's no wonder that its Catholic Churches get the less desirable cuts
PROOF: Atheists faith in God triples when exposed to facebook memes. When exposed to positive Christian messages and memes on facebook, an Atheists faith in God triples to what it once was. A study was done...
Found: the key holder that teen Jesus made in shop class is proof of God. The key holder Jesus made for his imaginary father in high school has been discovered in an archeological dig in Nazareth and is currentl...
Bohemian Rhapsody banned in Georgia unless Islamic lyrics altered. "Bohemian Rhapsody" is a song by the British rock band Queen. It was written by Freddie Mercury for the band's 1975 album A Night at the ...
Anarchy as Flat Earth dome halts Christians ascent during the rapture. The Flat Earth dome that covers the world is preventing raptured Christians from reaching heaven and being with Jesus Christ. When the wo...
