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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

Jim Bakker stops swearing on the bible because it now burns.

Updated: Jun 22, 2020

Due to recent shenanigans that Jim Bakker has participated in, he now cannot swear on the bible because it physically burns him.

"Arrrrggggghhhh, it burns! It burns! Worse than my genitals did during my affairs in the 80's."

Jim Bakker rocketed to fame in the 80's with the PTL club and his affair with Jessica Hawn. He once considered himself a conduit of God, but that comes with rules and conditions. In recent news, Jim Bakker has been selling colloidal silver supplements, which he advertises as a panacea. In March 2020, the office of the Attorney General of New York ordered Bakker to cease making false medicinal claims about his supplements' alleged ability to cure the 2019-20 strains of coronavirus.

In April, prohibited from receiving credit card transactions, Bakker disclosed to his viewers that his ministry was on the brink of filing for bankruptcy, and urgently petitioned them for donations. The following month, GEB America and World Harvest Television dropped Bakker's program from their networks after AT&T asked channels to reconsider airing his show and Connecticut-based liberal Christian group Faithful America began a de-platforming campaign against Bakker.

On May 8, Lori Bakker announced that Bakker had suffered a stroke, and stated that he would be taking a sabbatical from the program until he recovers and the American public forgets his scam.

BUT NOW it seems that Bakker has angered God himself and now every time he touches a bible it burns.

"God has had enough." said Hershel Kaputnik, head of PR, heaven. "This dude flits and circumvents the rule book. No more."

As Bakker recovers from his stroke, he is reconsidering his career in soul insurance.



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