• Samuel Jacobs

Woman's negative aura kills owner, robs bank & leaves 12 officers dead.

Late last night a woman's negative aura escaped from her body, robbed a bank and went on a killing spree leaving officers 12 dead in the worst aura related crime spree on record.

Celeste Dowers' glowing aura causing disruption while people tried to sleep.

San Francisco, CA. Celeste Dowers, a 24 year-old Reiki practitioner was found strangled by her aura last night after it escaped into the night, robbed a Wells Fargo and left 12 dead in its wake.

"All auras have the capacity to be gentle," said Lily Blackhill, Ultra Grand Wizard of the Crystal Palace, keeper of the invisible chalice and Walgreens cashier, "But if lock it in the yard and mistreat it, it'll jump the fence and take down a little kid."

Most people use their auras for good like making breakfast or choosing the next Netflix show to watch, but every so often an aura, if left unchecked will go wild.


THE BANK ROBBERY

The Wells Fargo on Ashbury was the next target of Celeste's aura. It phased through the bank vault and stole 2.4 million in negotiable bearer bonds, and setting off the bank's alarm system rushing police to the scene. As it was trying to make its escape, it attacked the officers who were just doing their duty, and killed 12 of them by strangling their auras.

Celeste's aura bathed in green light under an electromagnetic force.

STAND OFF

Fortunately one of the police officers had an estranged aunt who knew just a little bit too much about aura wrangling. She told them that electromagnetic energy and color therapy would help take it down. The police then put spoons in their shoes, cornered the aura and while holding up placards of pink, white and soft green, turned the power plant up to full capacity. It eventually caused the aura to dissipate into places unknown to mere mortals.


The San Francisco police department will hold services to those officers lost in the line of duty. Please give to the police fund.


#satire #religimarole #auras #aura #atheism #atheist #reiki #walgreens





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