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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

PASTOR: Cure for COVID 19 is to stick fingers in ears and scream.

The Religious right have discovered a cure for COVID 19. It involves sticking your fingers in your ears and screaming "Nah nah nah, I can't hear you."

The Religious right have banded together to discuss how to defeat COVID 19. After much deliberation they have figured out that the best way to combat the super virus is to extend both index fingers, insert them into the ear cavity and then by exhaling breath while exciting your vocal chords exclaim, "Nah Nah Nah, I can't hear you."

"It's just as effective as the peer reviewed science cures." said Keith McCratchen, the head of the Evangelical Justice League. "We had people try it. That's peer review. Where's my mobile [sic] Prize?"

Other leaders of major religious organizations agree with McCratchen. When discussed the misinformation that something like this could cause, and that it's not indeed a cure for a global pandemic, but just a way to deny any real evidence that the virus exists and is harmful. Saleem Al-Fredo, head of the Muslim Avengers Initiative, said something similar, "I feel that I speak for myself and all my fellow muslims when I say, La La La... I can't hear you... AHHHHHHHHH-llah Akbar"


Many Christians and Muslims have stepped forward and have denied that both McCratchen and Al-Fredo speak for them. That they are taking every precaution during these trying times and that their faith is within them, and they look to god for guidance, hope and strength. But there are many who feel that they are right.

"They can't make me stay home and pray, even though it says in the bible that I should." said Karen Kittridge, an evangelical Christian, "It's my right as an American to put myself and others in harms way. That's what freedom means. No one is going to tell me what to do."

When reminded that it's the Christian right that are trying to enforce their beliefs on others with hot bed items like gay marriage, abortion or stem cell research, she just stuck her fingers in her hears and replied, "You are wrong, I am right. Jesus loves me. La la la."

It's a shame the cure doesn't involve shoving something in their mouths to shut them up.


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