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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

Heaven now able to contract for your soul after admitting its first lawyer.

Before hell was the only place that admitted lawyers into the afterlife, hence the ironclad contract that they had for your soul. Well, heaven is now in the game and has work to do.

James Derfeld happy that he gets to wear that tie for eternity.

Did you even wonder why the devil seemed to have an iron clad contract for your soul, produced in an instant, ready for you to sign your eternal afterlife away, but to get into heaven, you had to read through an indecipherable book, written by several unknown authors that has been translated into several different languages, then had follow it as God intended? That's because until recently, there haven't been any contract lawyers in heaven.

"Heaven is about virtue." says Janice St. Peter, Heaven's head of consumer and corporate affairs. [no relation] "Why would we ever have a contract lawyer? That's the epitome of corruption."

Well, one contract lawyer did actually make it through the rigorous trials and into heaven. It turns out that James Derfeld of Sydney, Australia was the only person, in the history of time, who had honestly put together a contract so that both parties shared an equitable split. It was unfortunate that it was his first contract, and that he was hit by a bus afterwards.

"Otherwise he would have never made it." says St. Peter, "He was actually going to be one of the worst ones. Good thing for cell phones distracting people crossing the street."

Derfeld has since been put to task, where he spends 24/7 working on contracts to be able to acquire people's souls. As well, he looking for loopholes when it comes to current contracts of famous people who sold their souls for incredible talent and fame like Prince, Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith.

Bet you thought transit bus.

After commenting that working 24/7 hardly sounds like heaven. St. Peter had this to say. "Well, he was a contract lawyer in real life, so we are assuming that's what he would like to do forever and ever without any break. He had every opportunity to rescue puppies or taste-test Texas Barbecue, but he chose contract law."


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