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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

BREAKING: Vatican stops atheist time-travel scheme to save Jesus.

Updated: Jul 6, 2021

For at least fifty years the science has had the ability to time travel, but the Catholic church has hid the technology to prevent atheists from traveling back in time to save Jesus.

Time Circuits from Back to the Future. Universal Pictures; Amblin Entertainment

Is time travel possible? Yes, of course it is. And because of a single line of dialogue during Back to the Future where Doc Emmett suggests to a plucky Marty that they can do back to the past to witness the birth of Christ, atheists have been trying to travel back in time to save Christ from crucifixion and prevent Christianity from ever being created.

"It's not like we don't believe that the man could exist, we just want to expose him for the charlatan that he is." said Time-Travel hopeful Phil Grant. "There were a lot of scams at the time, of course. there were. People wiped their ass with their hands. With their hands!"

The atheists plan to capture Christ, give him a shower and a haircut and try to pass him off as an aristocrat who is money hungry, and tries to implement political policy. Certainly a practice that is opposite of what the real Jesus would have done at the time. This will cause those who believe to reject Jesus by the boat full, thinking he is nothing but a shill for the state, and will do anything for a drachma. This will cause the end of Christianity.

Meanwhile, the Pope, who has all of Leonardo DaVinci's books on time travel, won't release them to the public because. "If Christianity never existed, then these books would never exist, and it would cause a time travel paradox." Which is a lot of words to say, "We like money, and never having to apologize."


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