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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

BREAKING: Vatican severs ties with Big Fish in favor of Tofu on Fridays.

For years Catholics have eaten fish on Fridays but after a disagreement with their profit percentage, they have severed ties with the Fishing industry in favor for a more equitable relationship: Tofu.

Doesn't this look delicious? Because if you're Catholic, this is your Friday.

Catholics are being asked to abstain from eating meat on Fridays as an act of penance, reviving a centuries-old tradition. Bishops say Friday should be a day of penitence as it is the day on which Christ is said to have died. They say Friday penance will be "a clear and distinctive mark" of Catholic identity and an act of common worship. The Catholic Church defines meat as the flesh of warm-blooded animals, so eating fish is permitted on Fridays.

But this week Pope Francis signed a lucrative deal with Yakuna Soy out of Japan and now Catholics are suppose to eat any type of soy on Fridays instead of fish.

"You are absolutely forbidden to eat any sort of fish on Friday." said Pope Francis. "If you don't eat soy, it's now a cardinal sin."

Even though there are many traditions and practices that involved eating of fish on Fridays, they are now all considered all null and void, and if they [Catholics] continue to practice them, Pope Francis says that "They might was well be slapping Jesus in the face."

Jesus Fish Insignia

The famous Jesus fish has also been changed. This Tofu Character will now replace the fish symbol that adorn many cars and jewelry. The character's name is JeJe, and it's kawaii look is to attract the much desired Chinese market. "They are mostly atheists, but if Tofu and Jesus were synonymous, then there should be some conversions to Catholicism.


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