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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

BREAKING: Studies conclude Quran a worse love story than Twilight.

But not by much. Researchers for the Twilight Project have finally found a winner. Or loser.

Recent studies with renown literary scholars in the Twilight Project, a research project looking to redeem the societal image of Twilight by finding a love story worse than it, have come to the conclusion that finally, a love story between a high-school teenager and a 300 year-old vampire is a better story than a 53 year-old man and a 9 year old child.

"It took a lot of reading really, really bad fiction. We are talking REALLY bad fiction. Book after book. We couldn't keep the research department staffed. Nothing. Absolutely nothing was worse than Twilight." says Howard Redeyes, lead researcher for the Twilight Project. "It wasn't until we hired an Ex-muslim that read it, and said, "I've read worse.""

The researcher rushed the Ex-muslim into a room where they sat for hours while he explained the circumstances of his claim. "At 6 she was betrothed to him." he regaled. "Like property. But the marriage wasn't consummated until he was in his 50's and she was 9."

Under any circumstances this would outrage the entire world, but according to one Muslim scholars: "Eh... What do you want me to say? The Quran is perfect, so, you know... that must be acceptable."


When compared to the bible, Twilight just edges out the New Testament, but scored a tie with the Old Testament. "It's all that family fucking with Adam and Eve and Noah's family." said Howard Redeyes.


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