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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

BREAKING: Pope assigns April 3rd as the virgin Mary's celestial rape day.

Doing some quick math with Jesus being born on Christmas, Mary would have been impregnated in April.

Another Christian Holiday has been approved by the Vatican. April 3rd will now be celebrated as the "Virgin Mary's Celestial Rape Day" or "Penetrate". The supposed day that God came down and impregnated Mary without her knowledge.

"Penetrate is a very special day for us." said the Pope, "This is the day that God held down an unsuspecting woman, spread her legs and forced his seed into her against he will. It is glorious indeed."

Female Catholics all around the world have recognized this day as significant and are decorating their vaginas to symbolize the solidarity they have with their raping God and his victim the Virgin Mary.

This practice is know known as VirJazzling. A portmanteau of Virgin and Vajazzle. Different designs are place on the vagina as art and is not in any way a sexual fetish. The designs vary, from simple geometric patterns to full-blown portraits of Jesus. You can get authorized VirJazzle kits in the Vatican gift shop or through fine retailers near you.


When ask why now did they want to implement the holy rape, the Pope Francis' response was positive. "We are looking to empower more women in the Catholic Church, and what better way than to glorify the rape of the holy mother?"


A representative for the Coalition On Women's Equal Rights, (COWER) had this to say. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Should Easter fall on the same day as Penetrate, there is another holy ritual set up called 'Transubstanejaculation' where the Catholic women rub consecrated hand lotion all over their chests and back.


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