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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

BREAKING: Costco now offers samples of Jesus in all its stores.

Updated: Jun 22, 2020

So your shopping experience isn't cut short by having to go to church, Costco is now offering the eucharist to patrons of the store at its sample stations.

Costco Sample Lady offering a Jalapeño Ranch chunk of Jesus.

Since stores have been allowed to open on Sundays there has been a fight for the attention of the church attendant. Those who go to church are missing out on the great deals and bulk pricing that Costco has to offer, and those who go to Costco are missing out on having their souls saved and spending the rest of eternity in Jesus' warm embrace. Now, in an exciting collaboration with the Catholic Church, Jesus will be offered in all Costco outlets.

"It just seemed like a natural partnership." said Abe Froman, the head of packaged meats at Costco. "If we have a priest on hand, we get two different samples."

Froman is referring to the transubstantiation that occurs when Christ turns from a cracker into a piece of 2000 year old dead flesh. "It's surprisingly tender, but I'm afraid we have to keep him with the jerky."


Even though sampling alcohol in a retail establishment is prohibited in the United States, Costco will also stock the wine that turns to the blood of Christ. "We made a constitutional argument as well as convinced them that it was only wine before they drank it."

Jesus will come in different flavors like, Blue-eyed Caucasian, Middle Eastern, Spicy Latino and at certain stores, Jalapeño Ranch.


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