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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

True Christian tries to find another so they can finally pray for world peace.

Updated: Jun 22, 2020

One of the world's only True Christians has been identified and are searching for another so they can rid the world of evil and heal the sick as in accordance to Matthew 18:19

The Christian Miracle Coalition has identified one True Christian, Gene Kaputnick, a 28 year-old school teacher from Reseda, CA, who until this point, had followed the word of Jesus to the letter and even shunned her family because she loved him more.

She has been taken to the Christian Testing facility and Day Spa in Bethlehem to pamper her feet and test her for the miracle ritual that requires only TWO True Christians.

"This is a tremendous day for us," said Coalition leader Jake De La Ventura, "Many of us profess to be a true Christian, but we all know it's a load of bullshit."

The tests will include offering her shrimp to eat, multi-material fabrics, a garden with two types of seeds, allowing her to have slaves and of course, giving her a baby named Isaac to sacrifice, and waiting for God to stay her hand. "We must give her old and new testament trials to undergo, as not a jot or tittle of the law has been changed.

Now According to Matthew 18:19-20, only two Christians are needed to evoke God in any way and ask for favors. "Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Since world peace hasn't been achieved, we can only reasonably assume that either Christians are selfish and don't want world peace, or two TRUE Christians haven't been found.


Spawning the "No True Scotsman" fallacy, or an appeal to purity, is an informal fallacy in which one attempts to protect a universal generalization from counterexamples by changing the definition in an ad hoc fashion to exclude the counterexample. In the case of Christians, there hasn't been a True Christian identified in over 1900 years.

"The last one was Paul, or Saul, or whatever his name was. He was pretty devout." said De La Ventura, "Hell, not even the pope qualifies. Big surprise, am I right?"

The Coalition is now in search of a second True Christian so they can pray to achieve miracles and end world hunger and strife. In all of history only a handfull of True Christians have been identified, a few in the first millennia, a couple in the second millennia, but none in the last 400 years. The last one was Richard Farmer in 1602, from England. "We think he knew Shakespeare, so that's cool."

Let's hope that Ms. Kaputnick can keep herself holy until they find the second True Christian or she dies and we start this all over again.


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