Selfish Cancer Kid hoarding thoughts and prayers in coronavirus epidemic.
Updated: Aug 6, 2020
The reason the coronavirus hasn't been cured yet, is because of a lack of thoughts and prayers that are available the general public.
Birmingham, AL. You may remember Louis Marcus Dryer, the 6 year-old kid who had terminal cancer. His story made the news and thousands, if not millions of Christians got together to pray for his speedy recovery. Well it turns out that Louis Marcus Dryer is a bit of a shit, and he is hoarding all of the Christian thoughts and prayers through this deadly outbreak of coronavirus, not allowing them to find a cure.
"They were given to me. They are mine!" said Lucas, "They can't have them."
Well, technically he is correct. He was gifted the prayers while he was going through chemotherapy. When he went into remission, he had an abundance left over, so he decided to pocket them for a rainy day, which could be just around the corner. The doctors aren't sure if the cancer is coming back, but he [Lucas] has a good stockpile of prayers that he should never have to worry about it again.
BREAKING: Jesus returns, gets COVID, quarantined for another 2000 years.
The Underlying Problem - The coronavirus.
The problem with stockpiling thoughts and prayers, is that unless they are used, they lay dormant and other tragedies in society can't be solved. Joshua Cadence, Head Prayer Research Christian at the Prayer Institute of Hollywood had this to say, "The more problems in society, the more prayer is needed. If you don't use the prayer that has been given to you, it sits and does nothing. You have to gift that prayer to someone else for it to effectively work. The longer it sits, the less effect it will have."
But Lucas isn't having any of it. He is afraid that his cancer will eventually come back, and that he has enough prayers banked to get him well into late adulthood. "Those suffering from the coronavirus will just have to wash their fucking hands." said Lucas.
#satire #religimarole #atheist #coronavirus #Christian