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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

Jesus performs yet another farewell concert. Christians pay big price.

Jesus is retiring again, so he is holding yet another farewell concert during the coronavirus outbreak and Christians still are flocking to it.

For the 1997th year in a row Jesus has held a three day farewell concert and his followers clamor to the streets. Christians will go out of their way to get the hottest ticket on the block and line up for years if need be.

In previous years, the practice of going out to see a concert during world pandemics didn't fare too well. Over the Flu pandemic of 1918, 20 million Christians succumbed to the first H1N1 virus because they were standing in line to get tickets. Since online ordering has replaced that practice, only 15,000 died during the second H1N1 pandemic in 2009.

The people at 'Way of the Ticketmaster' seem to condone this type of behavior, considering that that they make a good $3.50 off of each ticket sold, they don't care who gets hurt in the process.

"This is a once a year event." said Lazar Warmth, CEO of Way of the Ticketmaster. "If you can't sacrifice your health, well-being and life to be at this concert, then you can just go to hell with the rest of the heathens."


Prices for a Jesus concert can reach epic proportions and people are even willing to kill for them. During the 11th -13th centuries in what the Christians call the 'Crusades', the concert was made available to Jews and Muslims first and it sold out. So Christians took it upon themselves to hunt down those who had tickets and forcefully requested them, and if they didn't give up the ticket, then they were ultimately killed.

In Spain from 1478 it was a very scare time secure concert tickets. Christians went crazy trying to find a ticket so they pounding went from door to door to see who had them. They knew Jesus wasn't going to add a second show so 150,000 people were mugged and had their tickets stolen. 5,000 died.


Smaller churches have set up a 'pay per view' system so parishioners can watch the concert remotely and not have to pay the price of actually being at the concerts. This isn't good enough for some who are known as 'Died Hard Fans'. They will selfishly venture out during the pandemic putting everyone around them at risk and possibly make themselves or others sick with the Covid-19 virus, even though it says in their holy book that they can pray at home.

It has already been announced that there will be another farewell concert next year.


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