• Samuel Jacobs

Jesus, Inc. does damage control over negative image brand. Fires PR firm.

Updated: Jun 22, 2020

Since a leaked image suggests that Jesus may not have been white with blue eyes and blond hair, Jesus Inc. has does some damage control to keep the brand intact.

Maybe he's born with it? Maybe it's Maybelline?

New York, NY. The PR firm of Your Image Matters has been fired by Jesus Incorporated for not properly damage controlling a leaked image of Jesus that isn't a blue eyed, blond caucasian version of the savior and taken after as especially rough party in college.

"We want to keep Jesus as American," said Robin Eustace, head of marketing for Jesus, Inc. "When they tried to bring honesty to the brand, it hurt us in more ways imaginable."

The PR firm released the image of Jesus before he became a celebrity in an attempt to bring skeptics over to the brand. It failed miserably and skeptics and atheists just used the image to further the narrative that Christianity has been lying to people for hundreds of years.


"Sign-ups to Christianity has been dwindling. They've rode the coat-tails of eating samples of Jesus like a Saturday at Costco for a while now." said Ted Unger, CEO of Your Image Matters. "Hanging with Jesus in heaven wasn't cutting it anymore, we needed a hook, like 72 virgins or a free Nintendo switch."


BREAKING: Costco now offers samples of Jesus in all its stores.


Since releasing the new image of Jesus, stock in the company has dropped 18% in America and 12% abroad. "Because of their actions we'll need to damage control and bring back customers." said Eustace. They've forced our hand."

"Jesus is about hope. It's about friendship. It's about love. How can you love someone with matted hair and a bulbous nose that looks middle-eastern?" said Eustace, "We all know that blond hair and blue eyes represents purity. He can't be pure unless he also looks like he could host a game show."

WHAT OF THE IMAGE?

In the age of the internet it's hard to scrub away all the former pictures of Jesus, so the company plans to launch a campaign that depicts the earlier version of Jesus as a before / after resurrection picture with the tagline: Become saved, become beautiful.


#satire #religimarole #atheist #atheism #Maybelline



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