• Samuel Jacobs

BREAKING: Jesus Christ fired from Christianity for lying on his resume.

Updated: Mar 3

Jesus' title of 'Lord and Savior' has been revoked after the HR department found a blatant lie on his resume saying his experience was different than it actually was.

Jesus Christ has been let go from Christianity Inc. yesterday because of a discrepancy on his resume and the charter of Christianity. Under the Charter it states under Deuteronomy that "A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the lord, even to his tenth generation." (Deu. 23:2) which means that anyone who is born out of wedlock cannot enter into the kingdom of heaven.


LIED ON HIS RESUMÉ

Jesus' resume stated that his mother is Mary and that his father, Joseph. But after a careful investigation, it's been made aware to the Owners at Christianity Inc. that Mary and Joseph never married, and that Jesus isn't even his son. (Matt. 1:8).

"We regret the confusion all this has caused." Said God. "We have rectified that by promoting Vishnu to CEO."

Vishnu, the new savior of the Christian Religion

Vishnu was excited about the promotion and their first order of business is to delegate responsibility off of one deity's shoulders on to many.


SON OF GOD

Jesus then accused God of being his father. To which God laughed, "I'm sure if I impregnated a virgin woman in Galilee to create a new version of myself and then kill him/me and resurrect him/me so he/me could sit in judgement over people and their sins, to which his death should have forgiven, I'd remember."


Jesus offered to stay on to train his replacement, but HR wasn't having any of it. "He's leaving us in total disarray. He was supposed to be on one project, but somehow it split into over 3000 projects all of which are similar but different to each other. But none of them are compatible."


As Jesus packed up his things, security was there to escort him off the premises.


#religimarole #satire #Jesus #Vishnu #Deuteronomy23_2 #Matthew1_8




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