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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

Allah denies knowing extremist who blew himself up in his name.

A Muslim extremist blew himself up in a car bomb while shouting Allah's name has been denied knowledge of ever knowing the Muslim Prophet.

Mogadishu, Somalia. An extremist by the name of Mohammed El-Staineed decided to blow himself up in an effort to kill some infidels in Allah's name. But it seems his relationship to the muslim prophet was all in his mind as Allah himself has come out saying that he doesn't know this person.

"When you're a celebrity, people make up stuff. They pretend they know you. I don't know this asshole." said Allah, as he defiled yet another virgin.

All across the world fanatical muslims blow themselves up in the name of Allah in an attempt to win his favor in the afterlife. "Yeah, I really wish people would stop doing that." said Allah. "If you want 72 virgins, then you need to do something to up your social game."

When questioned about verse 9:5 in the Quran which states, "Kill the idolaters wherever you find them, and capture them, and blockade them, and watch for them at every lookout...” Allah had this to say, "Look, it's obvious that people are going to misinterpret the phrase. I can't help that. What I can do is say, if you are going to kill idolaters, keep me out of it."

We think this new progressive is Allah trying to connect with the moderates of the religion to keep them interested in Islam, but don't like all of the killing and car bombing.


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