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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

BREAKING: Pope comes out as left-handed, ostracized by the church.

It turns out that Pope Francis is left-handed and if this were 1000 years ago, he would have been killed. Instead, the Catholic church just wants nothing to do with him.

Protestors came out in droves in Italy today, all wanting the de-popeing of Pope Francis for revealing that he is left-handed.

The right hand of God is a place of honor in the Bible. The left hand is then interpreted as being on the wrong side of God. Left-handed people are mentioned 25 times in the bible and all negative, whereas right-handed people are mentioned over 100 times, and all positively.

Some would say that Pope Francis is the most progressive Pope in history, but a wrench was thrown into the system now that Pope Francis has come out of the closet as left-handed. The Catholic Church is reconsidering his papal papers.

Pope Francis showing the world his shame.
"People are born this way, don't you understand that?" said the Pope. "Why can't people just accept that it is an alternative form of dominant hand?"

No pope has ever been left-handed and according to scripture somewhere that someone has interpreted somewhere, left-handed people are an abomination.

The Cardinals have all had a Zoom meeting today to discuss what they should do about this current blight on the Catholic Church. Do they let it slide, forget what the bible says about something as archaic as left-handedness and keep Pope Francis, or do they forgive, enter a more modern era and continue to think a cracker turns into meat?


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