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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

BREAKING: Joel Osteen malfunctions during sermon revealing he's a robot.

The world was shocked when Joel Osteen malfunctioned yesterday revealing a dire secret.

HOUSTON, TX. Evangelical Christian superstar Joel Osteen was preaching like any other Sunday when he accidentally dropped his water onto an exposed microphone cable, which caused a surge and revealed something unexpected. Joel Osteen is actually a highly technical prayer robot called the PrayerMatron Vista and is created by the company PrayerTech and implemented by his church Lakewood Church.

"It is unfortunate that you had to find out this way," said PrayerTech CEO Jasper Cannon "but you have to understand, you just can't get that level of sanctimonious preaching by being human. It's impossible"

Joel Osmatron, as the people at Lakewood affectionately call him, has been developed by PrayerTech over the last ten years and replaced Joel Osteen in 2014 when he was accidentally killed in a freak homosexual charged biker orgy. "Who would have thought that he liked bears?" said Victoria, Joel's widowed wife.

There are plans to make Joel 2.0, because this model has limited capabilities. "He only has the ability to preach the bible and associate with Kanye West. The next model we want to bump up the RAM and processing power so he is able to have a decent conversation outside of the TV broadcast."

Prayermatron 3000 with interchangeable face.


It turns out that all televangelists are some model of the Prayer Bot. The company that created them, PrayerTech and has been in business since the early 60's. The first Prayerbot being revealed at the 1967 at the World's Fair. Their oldest and longest running model still in service is the Prayermatron 1.0 and has 128k of RAM. You probably know him as Pat Robertson.

"The Robertson model is obsolete, you can't put new information inside it, and it is quite offensive." said Farley Chapin, chief engineer for PrayerTech. "But he still pulls in enough money to operate a small country, so we can't take him out of service."

Looking for more humor? Check out the daily comic strip by Keith Brown


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