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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

BREAKING: Anal sex now considered losing your virginity. Priests walk.

Before the one biblical loophole to having sex outside of marriage was to go through the back door. But the leaders of Christianity have determined that it now counts as regular sex.

The Council Of Christian Knowledge in Society met the other day and have gone over the rules regarding ethics in Christianity. This council meets once every 50 years and they try to pound out what they feel is wrong with Christianity.

Last time they met they decided on a whole to allow priests to wear fabrics that are a poly-cotton blend, even through it goes against Leviticus 19:19. Their justification for it, is polyester is not only a man-made fabric and not natural as when the commandment suggested, so it should be okay, but it's named after a great Jewish woman Esther, and commemorates her struggles with the Maccabees.

This year the hammer dropped and it was suggested that the greatest of biblical loopholes be closed up, (pun intended) that anal sex is not considered sex and if you partake before marriage, or in any other capacity, then you aren't breaking the letter of he law. In the bible there is no mention of anal sex when they discuss any sort of fornication.

What they didn't realize is the backlash that it would cause amongst ALL THE PRIESTS. It turns out, that they rely on that legal loophole to be able to skulk around in the shadows having homosexual sex, and repenting. Saying that they were always heterosexual AND they have maintained their virginity as the bible suggests.

Catholic Priests are upset that now they won't be able to pray on children and feel as if they aren't doing anything wrong.

"It used to be easy," said Father Santana, "I would lure them in to my rectory and have my way. I'm a trusted authority figure in their lives. Their parents trust me with their kids. Now I'm going to feel a little bit dirty."

Thousands of priests have walked off the job, the others are striking, and trying to replace the members of the council. This will be a futile matter, because they only meet every 50 years, by then, most will be deceased.


Thousands of meaningless churches will now have to close, as there is now a shortage of pastors and priests to reside over them.

When asked what they will do, one priest, who wanted to remain nameless, had this to say, "Well, isn't it obvious? We are converting to Islam, they are allowed to molest children like their prophet. They are so efficient over there."

The Pope could not be reached for comment.


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