- Scott MacDonald
Biblically Accurate Amusement Park Frightens Children into Believing.
NEW CHRISTIAN THEME PARK TAKES BIBLE WAY TOO LITERALLY
Get ready for some righteous family fun! Holy World, a new religious theme park is set to open next Summer in Pigeon Forge TN. Owned and operated by the Revelations Group, (we put the FUN in fundamentalism) the park is designed throughout to cater specifically to the Devout Evangelical Christian family market although all are welcome. It’s not necessary for one to be a practicing Christian to enjoy the park, but its offerings will be most appealing to those who walk with Christ.
The park is a vast improvement on the standard religious theme park which typically featured biblical re-enactments but no rides. Holy World has re-enactments AND rides! What rides they are too. Here’s an overview of some of the thrills and fun that await those souls eager for some wholesome Christian entertainment.
Crucifriction – a wooden rollercoaster that follows a route similar to the one walked by Christ on his way to his death on the cross. The ride is jarring and rough so as to better simulate the ordeal endured by Christ to save our souls from the eternal torment of Hell. Watch out for the flailing!
Ascension – You stand at the base of a 100’ tower and are lifted by rope to the top amid a chorus of Angels to simulate our Lord’s ascension into Heaven. At the top watch the mortals as they bow and devote their pathetic meager existence to you. Then a blare of trumpets signals your return to earth just as Jesus will return as He promised us.
Tunnel of Temptation – Cruise through a dark tunnel filled with the images of sin: lust, greed, fornication, gluttony, vanity – you hold hands with the other members of your boat and pray together for protection against the temptations before you. Be careful, the hand you may be holding could have been used for sin!
Original Sin! – You enter the garden of Eden armed only with your spouse, faith and a Bible. Satan is in there with you. You must be vigilant, alert, and protect your spouse lest the vile one pelt her with an apple and you are banished from the garden forever.
Noah’s Arks – Board an ark for a thrilling pious ride through a deluge-flooded earth with the sinful screaming, cursing, and drowning all around you. Give God thanks and praise that you’re not among their hopeless numbers while you look for any sign of land. (Warning: you may get wet on this ride)
The Wheel of Babel – A massive Ferris wheel that brings you closer to the Father as it revolves and you near the top. At the top you can exalt your love for God by shouting it into the sky. There are numerous exits in different languages so you are scattered around the park upon leaving.
…and many more! The park also provides Family Prayer Garden locations and a Baptismal Fountain for your convenience. The park will be open year-round and admission is a complicated matter based on an ongoing 10% tithe of your monthly income.
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