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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

American Standardized Bible: Marriage to include 'A man & his AR15'.

Updated: Jun 22, 2020

Americans have updated the bible to include American values. Including what defines a marriage.

The blushing bride ready for a wedding night to include a full magazine and bump stock.

While the bible has been revised several times over the last two millennia, there hasn't been a version that takes into account the liberties and freedoms that the good ol' U.S. of A has to offer.

Several American Christian leaders of all different sects of Christianity have sat down to create the American Standardized Version (ASV). Which includes some additions as well as some subtractions of what are well known trouble areas.

"We feel that it's about time to update the bible to reflect American lifestyles." said Pastor Grifter Momoney. "The way Jesus wanted us to."

Some of the Updates to the ASV Bible.

  • Marriage is now considered between a man and a woman or a man and his AR15. (Book of Nugent 3:23)

  • Pro-choice is only recognized if it's you making the choice. (Hypocrite 4:2-3)

  • A white, Christian American, who has to recognize someone's equality, has been worse done by than Jesus. (Metoo 3:18)

  • It's alright to do harm to anyone as long as it brings you a shit-ton of money in the name of Jesus. (Televangel 5:6)

  • The whiter Jesus is in pictures, the more American he is. Blond-hair/blue-eyed/farmer's tan Jesus is from Arkansas. (Public Relations 23: 4-3)

  • If the child being molested by the priest is also Christian, and found out, the priest can either choose to move to a whole new area where they don't know of him, with new children or promise that they won't do it again, with no penalty. (Pell 78:11 or 12)

  • A person's ability to access their church takes precedent over the health of a nation otherwise the nation will fall into chaos, the skies will darken and you can akin it to be treated worse than Nazi Germany. (Covid 19:3-4)

  • Protest placards do not have to have the correct spelling of anything, because God knows what you are talking about. (Covid 19:8-16)

  • Should someone question your faith, submit to ad hominem attacks or name calling until they walk away. (WBC 23:7-11)

  • Regardless of what any history books say, the USA is a Christian nation. (Pence 4:23-30)

  • After services, gather in groups of 20 or more at restaurants and order no food, and leave no tip. But take the opportunity to evangelize. (Karen 17:1-11)

  • Science, regardless how testable and proven, is a lie in the face of scripture. (Flat Earth 2:22-23)

American Jesus from Arkansas, complete with farmer's tan.


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