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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

Dead Sea Scroll Rumour: Jesus is not saviour, some guy named Neville is.

According to a newly unearthed Dead Sea Scroll, it turns out that Jesus may not be the saviour after all, but another kid with a similar history named, Neville Longbottom.

Neville Longbottom, possible Christ saviour, origami folder.

When Jesus was born, it turns out that three wise men, Melchior hailing from Persia, Gaspar (also called "Caspar" or "Jaspar") from India, and Balthazar from Arabia traveled from their far away lands and ended up in Bethlehem in one night, even though their only mode of transportation was camel or horse, to give the baby Jesus some gifts. It turns out that at the same time there was another baby to go visit, but they were out of myrrh.

"There was this one kid, who was a 14 year-old virgin, and was betrothed to a 100 year-old dude, had a kid under a star." said Balthazar, the wise man. "On the other hand, there was this other kid, who was a 14 year-old virgin, betrothed to a 102 year-old guy. I mean, Come on. Well, we only had gifts for one."

When looking to authenticate the new Dead Sea Scroll, biblical historian Gene Splicer, from the Institute of All Things Christy, had this to say, "It's quite possible. I mean, two kids born in the exact same way, it could be the other. The bible is transphobic."

It turns out that Neville lived out his days working in a used camel dealership just off the highway. He had a couple of kids, and on the weekends he liked to fold origami. He couldn't turn water into wine, but he could turn a piece of paper into a swan.


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