• Samuel Jacobs

Christian Holiday film 'Died Hard' on track to the most successful film of all time grossing $3B.

Move over Die Hard as the most successful Christmas movie of all time. There is a new contender, the Christian Faith-based action film, Died Hard.

Due to the popular Christmas film 'Die Hard', in which Bruce Willis takes on some high-tech thieves in Nakatomi Plaza, the Christian Production Company Trinity Blessed Films has released a similar movie in the same genre: A Jesus-based action Christmas film, where he takes on terrorists in the Temple in Jerusalem called 'Died Hard.'

"Jesus is kick ass in this. He knows a combination of Krav Maga and Classical Wing Chun and takes down whatever comes his way." Says Director Dan Hollister.

SPOILER ALERT: STOP READING NOW, IF YOU CAN!

The movie goes like this. Jesus goes to the Temple so he can get his feet washed by a bunch of lepers and it is attacked and taken over by a bunch of evil doubters. They hold everyone hostage, but Jesus ended up escaping and swinging through the rafters and hiding in duct work and shit. Finally he comes face to face with his mortal enemy, Pontius Pilate, but he knows Kung Fu. It becomes a battle of the Masters - but, OH NO! Jesus is killed. But Bam! He comes back to life 3 days later and this time... He has the power of the Almighty Fist Clench! He takes out Pilate and feeds everyone fish.


The response to the movie has been insane. The line-ups are around the block. People have been leaving the theater and getting back in line, seeing it 4 or 5 times over a single weekend. When interviewing a movie goer they had this to say, "Finally a story of Christ that makes sense. I'm tired of left-wing libtards trying to make out Jesus to be a socialist, homeless-loving, Jewish faggot."


When asked where in the bible the story is cited, Hollister replied, "I'm not here to cite the bible, I'm here to create entertainment." He then threw out the fake bible verse, Levitation 22B. "Most Christians haven't read the bible, they won't know the difference."


A much anticipated sequel is already in the works called, Died Harder than Ever Before, Again. Where Jesus takes on a bunch of first century yak herders who try to blow up the world with a nuclear device. "We aren't sure how they got the nuke, so I think this may be a time travel epic. He is the son of God after all, I'm sure he can time travel."

#Jesusmovie #religimarole #diehard #diedhard #satire

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