• Samuel Jacobs

BREAKING: Warren Commission Report concludes that there was a second apple in the Garden of Eden.

Genesis has one recounting of what happened in the Garden of Eden. Well, this week, Washington has released the heavily redacted Warren Commission Report, a detailed analysis of what happened at the events that occurred in Genesis 3:3.

What's up with that fucking cat?

The Latest Warren report has been released explaining what went exactly transpired in that fateful day in the Garden of Eden. who the parties were, and who was responsible for the downfall of mankind.


Second Apple?

Through heavily redacted text, they have concluded that there was a second apple in the grassy knoll, up and to the left, that caught Adam's attention mere seconds before he bit into the first one. Not unusual for apples to exist in a place that is full of fruit, but the apple was no where near any of the thousands of orchards that existed in Eden. Forensic Botanists have concluded that the second apple could only have come from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.


"There is only one tree in the garden that bears this type of fruit, which we've called an apple for the sake of argument, because I know there are going to be some people who write in the comments that it was a fruit, not an apple, so it doesn't take a science degree to piece together that this one tree is the place where it came from." said Dr. Joshua Kendall, Forensic Botanist, Warren Commission.

Credit:Compulsory Credit: GAP Photos/Nicola Stocken Copyright:GAP Photos/Nicola Stocken

So what does this mean?

It means that there may have been a second tempter for Eve. Since the serpent was already disposed in tempting Eve to begin with, someone had to make sure that their plan for the downfall of man would be fulfilled.

"I don't want to say that it was God. But it was God." said Dr. Kendall, "He needed this plan to play out, otherwise, No Jesus. It was in God's best interest that the downfall of man happen exactly the way he planned."

Forensic Detective Freida Graves disagrees with Dr. Kendall's assessment considering that God is omnipotent and omnipresent. "He wouldn't need a second apple, because he knew she was going to eat the first one. He knows everything. Until we get the full report, we may never know what really happened."


#satire #parody #JFK #Warrenreport #Genesis #religimarole #apple #grassyknoll

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