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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

VP Pence to sign bill banning police dogs because of their gay tendencies.

Updated: Mar 5, 2020

Pence plans to repeal, "Don't Lick, Don't Bark." and remove dogs from the police force.

Dog have been a crucial part of law enforcement of centuries. They are loyal, vicious and easily trainable. Which is why there is such an outrage when VP Pence announced yesterday that he planned to sign a bill that will remove dogs from law enforcement because they are homosexual in nature.

"Dogs have gay tendencies, they sniff butts, they lick their own genitals, and they hump other male dogs, so they shouldn't be in a government job like the police force." said Pence.

Just some professions where dogs are utilized.

Dogs do more than just sniff out perps. Here are several different professions for a dog.

Police Work

Police dogs have been helping police officers with detection work, cadaver detection, enforcing public order, search and rescue, pursuing suspects and searching buildings for many years. While German Shepherds are typically known for k-9 work, other dogs used can include bloodhounds, beagles, labs and malinois.

Search and Rescue These amazing dogs are trained to detect the scent of missing people in debris, hazardous weather, wilderness and even underwater. Their amazing sense of smell can detect human scent through air and ground, living and dead.

Water Rescue

Newfoundland dogs, who are both strong and love water, can be trained to make great water rescue canines. They can swim out to a person in trouble and grab them with their mouths and pull them into shore. They are trained to recognize an unconscious swimmer and properly deal with the situation.

Detection Work

Using their keen senses, dogs can smell anything from bedbugs, bombs and contraband in airports and prisons. Dogs are even being used to detect cancer tissue!

Guarding and Watchdog

Dogs have long been helping to keep us safe, by using their bark and their keen sense of smell and hearing, they guard against danger. The Great Pyrenees are known to guard over livestock, and the Belgian Malinois are used in military to keep soldiers safe. Big or small dogs, can ward off trouble.

"He's off his rocker." said, Officer Jameson of the K9 unit "What did this country do to deserve this?"

Pence immediately thought of replacing the dogs with cats. "Cat are more vicious than dogs. I've seen a video where a tiny cat takes on a huge dog and the dog cowers in the corner." When reminded that cats also can be homosexual, he started listing names of mammals that could replace dogs. He finally settled on sharks, which of course are fish.

"Sharks are the perfect choice. They have a great sense of smell and are vicious. They are the attack dogs of the ocean." said Pence.

Sample of Pence's New Police Shark

When asked how he plans to implement a bunch of sharks on the police force, he had this to say, "I'm not about logistics, you have the order, you get the job done."


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