• Samuel Jacobs

Jesus to lose lucrative food sponsorship.

Updated: Dec 17, 2019

After a lengthy relationship with Flower Foods and Frito-Lay both powerhouse food manufacturers have decided to call it quits on the multi-million dollar appearance deal for Jesus of Nazareth. He now falls to number two in sponsorships deals behind his mother, Mary.

Due to the diminishing numbers in Christianity, the food giants have decided to call it quits with the Christian Lord and Savior. A spokesperson for Wonder Bread had this to say, "When we hired him to appear in toast, we were expecting a lot more coverage. Not just a few images every few years. At first the numbers made sense, but now, not so much."


"Each appearance cost the company thirty million dollars. ($30,000,000)," [We] need to sell a lot of bread to make that beneficial for us.


Looking for a replacement.

“We are currently looking for others to brand our toast, we are in talks with Kanye, he thinks he's God.” - Wonder Bread Spokesperson

When interviewing the spokesperson for Cheetos, they have a different story. "It was harder to get his image in a Cheeto, and people were mistaking it for other things like a tree twig or a blob. We even tried to feature his image in that large amassed hunk of cheese crust that comes in special bags, but people weren't associating it with the "King of Kings".



The Spokesperson continued, "We have a lot of damage control to do because people are associating our product with the President of the United States, Donald Trump. It's figuratively leaving a bad taste in people's mouths. If Jesus would agree to make more appearances, then we wouldn't have this PR problem. We are very disappointed in this relationship."



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