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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

End Times Ministry positive that THIS time will be the end of the world.

After a series of failed prophecies, End Times Ministry has declared that THIS time will be the end of the world and the return of Christ as foretold in Revelation.

From the bridge that they live under, the leader of End Times Ministry has declared that on May 24th, 2020, 6:00 EST, The rapture will commence and Jesus will return and bring all of the worthy Christians to live with him in heaven.

"It's gotta happen this time." said Pastor Mike Newbourne, "I've got nothing left. I gave it all away the first few times. I am desolate. Do you have any food?"

I gave him a protein bar and asked why he gave all of his worldly belongings away, through half-chewed whey protein, he had this to say, "I believed that it would happen. Three times! I lost my dog, Champ. he is with a family who won't give him back. None of my followers will talk to me. I ate a half eaten hotdog out of the trash. At least I think it was a hot dog."

He lifted up his crusty priest coat and showed me a festering scar. Squatters occupy the house he owns and have booby trapped it, so if he returns he will certainly hurt or maim himself. When I offered to help him with a shower and a hotel room, he just hissed at me and called me a heathen.

He had drawn a make-shift calendar on the side of the bridge and is crossing out the days, counting down to may 24th. Suddenly, I was forced to a different location by a rabid skunk. Pastor Newbourne just stood and took the spray as if a baptism. "God won't send anything my way he doesn't think I can't handle."

Pastor Newbourne says that he will have to give up everything he owns, which includes a broken clock radio, the severed head of a doll named Curtis that he calls his congregation. If he doesn't, then he actually doesn't believe it will happen and God will look at him and deny his admittance to heaven because he was a disbeliever. At which point he looked at a point in the distance and started crying and offered me fellatio in exchange for three dollars. It wasn't too shabby.

What is left of Pastor Newbourne's Congregation. A Doll's head named Curtis.

If you know someone who is mentally unbalanced and in need of help Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor.


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