• Samuel Jacobs

Fat Jesus put on drastic workout regimen to get fit for the rapture.

Updated: May 10

After 2000 years, Jesus' agents have decided that Jesus is finally ready to come back for the rapture, but he needs to get in shape first.

Fat Jesus cheating on his diet by snacking on himself.

Jerusalem, Israel. Christians are finally going to get their wish by being raptured by Jesus, but there is a slight snag. Jesus has let him self go over the last 2000 years and has gained 300 pounds and desperately needs to get into shape for the big reveal.


To help whip him into shape, Jesus' representatives at The William Morris Agency have hired the Fitness Coach to the Stars, Grant Pendleton who has helped such celebrities as David Koresh, Kim Jong Il, and Dennis Rodman.

"You have no idea what sitting on your ass drinking wine and eating bread for 2000 years as done to him." said Pendleton. "He is a big, doughy mess."

Jesus was put on a low carb diet with a strict workout regimen. Jesus weighed in at a whopping 450lbs.

"There was almost no second coming. More like a second helping." said Paul, Jesus' agent. "I was convinced that he was going to screw this whole Christianity thing up."

But Jesus isn't having any of it. He keeps hiding or running away to the pub and ordering greasy food and alcohol. He is very happy with his new form and he doesn't want to come back for the second coming if people aren't going to accept him for who he is. To which the head of PR had this to say. "They have an image of what Jesus is, and if it deviates from that, we will lose market share. And we can't have that."

Jesus down to about 150lbs and ready to celebrate with cake.

Jesus keeps sneaking snacks and isn't taking the diet seriously. "It's really hard, because he can create bread out of thin air." said Pendleton. "We have to watch him 24/7."


There isn't going to be a rapture until Jesus gets back to his fighting weight of 160. So it looks like to's going to be a while yet.


#satire #religimarole #Jesus #rapture #atheist #atheism #williammorris



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