• Samuel Jacobs

Christ's work promotion caused the power to go to his head. So they killed him.

How a humble carpenter became the CEO to the biggest company in the world and how it ruined him.

Judea, 33 AD. When people take a position of power, it's very hard for them to remain objective. When Jesus became a figurehead for the next major religion, he took advantage.


Christianity inc. The parent company of the Christian Religion had just promoted their VP of Sales, Jesus Christ, to the role of CEO and Figurehead. A crucial decision made by the board of 13 directors. As VP of sales, his job was to try to gain followers. Jesus now had surpassed that role, and the final decisions of all Christianity was solely in his hands. Now as the figurehead for the entire company, the first thing Jesus said when asked what direction he is going to take the company, was this:

"There is going to be a huge change in the direction of the company. We would be of one mind as we go forth into the world and force them to buy our product."

Some people in the company didn't like the change that Jesus Christ implemented. Before as VP of sales, he was respectful, meek and mild. He brought people lunch, and always had a bottle of wine. He would give the salve off his feet to heal the sick.


As soon as the promotion went through, all that changed. "It all went to his head," said a coworker who asked to remain anonymous. "He stormed the temple at Jerusalem. Kicking over tables and destroying people's goods. He thought that he was above the law."


Jesus continued his rampage of unChrist-like deeds: refusing to wash his hands, spitting on blind people, and killing a herd of pigs. It became so much, that the board of directors had regretted their decision to promote him.

"I don't know if he was on something or not, but he sure was drunk with power." said Judas.

CORPORATE ESPIONAGE

The board of directors got together and made a decision to remove him from office. He was disrupting the status quo and that isn't what they wanted. They tried to reason with him, but it didn't work. They could only do one thing, set him up to take a fall.


They organized a business meeting with a rival company, knowing Jesus would go into it, all full of cum and demanding that it's his way or the high way. Pontius Pilate, the ruler of had had enough and decided to do away with the competition and nail him to a cross and kill him.


Their backstab worked. Jesus' reign of tyranny was over. The problem was that they had just re-outfitted all their stationary with Jesus' name. So they continued to use his name, else incur the cost to reprint all the brochures.


#satire #religimarole #easter #jesus #pilate #Christianity




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