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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Jacobs

Catholic school to close claiming “There isn't one Pope in the bunch.”

St. Regina Francis Middle School has decided to close its doors at the end of the school year because they feel none of their students have what it takes to become Pope.

Rochester, NY. For the fifth year straight, the St. Regina Francis Middle School has produced a bunch of 'duds' according to the principal Mike Hardman. This is the third time that they have cleaned house in five years firing as many as 35 teachers each time.

"When we hired them, they were all gung-ho to turn these students into Popes, but after five years, none of them are good enough." said Hardman. "Time to end it."

At St. Regina Francis, they take becoming Pope very seriously. "After Pope Benedict, the bar was lowered and we seized our opportunity." said Hardman. Everyday the students are given mental and physical exercises to do. Tempted in ways beyond any normal human should be allowed and taught Krav Maga to keep away sexual predators. Hardman demands high marks in piousness and conclave.

Hardman had the distinct pleasure of being the Principal of two of the last petitioners who tried out for Pope, but failed. The job eventually went to Pope Francis. "It's a hard position to fill, but under my tutelage, as many as five of my former students tried out for the position."

But lately the teachers haven't been doing their job in finding the next Pope. The Board of Directors have added useless classes such as Filmmaking and Calculus to the curriculum. "Having students actually explore their interests and given life skills is not the purpose of a Catholic School." shouted Hardman. "All Pope, all the time."

The students are allowed to finish the semester and St. Regina Francis is closing it's door at the end of this school year. Much to Hardman's chagrin and dissatisfaction, the building is going to be turned into hostel for the homeless.


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